Sign Language Curse Word Challenge

If you've ever been told off by a deaf person, it's a trip. You don't know quite what to do. Get pissed off or steal second. They most likely got the best of you - but if there is no one else around who knows sign language -"If a tree falls in middle of the woods", right? Not completely. You and your mother still got told to go polish something. I've designed this quiz for you to prepare yourself. In the event this conflict happens to you, you can now effectively be able to recognize parts of their secret language, and communicate properly and appropriately back. The below is a basic tool box of ASL (American Sign Language) vulgarity. Enough to get you through most combative situations. Be careful with open replication of these signs, and make sure the situation is appropriate. You can get your self in quite a bit of trouble. A deaf man was recently arrested after signing various things to an officer when pulled over. They knew he was mad but didn't know what he said on the scene and let him go, but later checked the video tape with someone who knew sign language, deciphered his colorful tirade and weren't too pleased. Although most of the deaf are sweet by nature, there are a-holes everywhere. So next time you get signed to go space dock with a goat, you can tell them not only can they go steal second and third but they can go shove home plate when they're done. Tally your points and good luck!


































































































































































































How'd you Score???
Number of Correct Answers:
1-4. Short bus! These signs aren't supposed to be code, but they are to you. You probably have a difficult time figuring out and may even leave a dance floor in intimidation when the Chicken dance comes on. Good chance you have been flipping your lap top upside down to read the answer key too.

5-9. Not too bad. You didn't leave your computer and are currently waiting to bunt on an empty field like the 1-4 people above are, but your vulgarity vocabulary may be limited. Not a bad thing, but you may want to keep avoiding conflict.

10-13. Well done. Creative thinker. You probably have been called a 1,2,5 and 10 before and quickly responded with a 9 and 14 and 15. If you don't have any prior experience with ASL, you are a natural and should learn.

14-15. Wow. If you're not deaf or have a job signing at George Carlin concerts, you are the rain man of American Sign Language. C*cksucker... Definitely C*cksucker.

Cat Scratch Fever

For the past few years of my life, whether it be from family or co-workers, I for some reason have had a target on my back as the go to person to ask for pet sitting jobs. I'm freaking canine Mary Poppins apparently. I had a racket running for a while, don't know how this happened, people must just assume I don't have anything better to do. And they're right. Doing a favor for someone every once in a while and making some easy cash is great. But I have learned through these experiences just how rediculous people are about their pets. I've had hour long explanations on how to care for a pet for one weekend, so caught up in doing things their way they forget it's just an animal. Feed it. Pet it. Let it sh*t. Not too hard. Many treat their pets better than their fellow man. Pet sitting can be easy money - but from experience, some are just not worth the trouble.

Cats: Easy money. My cat rates were essentially $20-$25/visit, 3-4 day vacation max. One person had me stop by their house once a day over four days to feed their cat. A cat. $100 bucks?? This was money in the bank. What do cats need? Attention? They don’t get lonely. Cats hate people, and were probably glad their owners took off. I found it so ridiculous in general they were paying me to do this. The second day I went to this persons house (co-worker), the cat had eaten less than half its food. Really, why was I there? So I drank some of their beer, put out two bowls of food, didn't come back the next day, came back the fourth day put the second bowl away, washed my hands and done. When my family left town growing up, we didn’t hire anyone to look after our cat. Come on! Out of town for seven days – put out seven bowls of food, seven bowls of water and leave. If it makes it, great, if not, we'll buy a new cat. What cat can't make it for a week? Hell, we could have gone to Europe - slashed a Sam's Club bag of dry cat food open, left the lid of the toilet up and taken off. She would have loved it. My cat growing up, Mitzy, lived to be 26 years old. Didn't check officially, but pretty sure close to the oldest cat in the state at the time. We fed it nothing but dry Sam's Club cat food. Out lived my buddy and neighbors cat growing up by 12 years -who was fed Pounce kitty treats (kitty crack), low fat gourmet cat food. For what? His cat got cancer twice and lost an ear when it went through two cat chemothrapy secessions that basically could have sent a Romainian child through college. I called it VanCat - not to their family's liking- but seriously, it's a cat. Rediculous. Anyways, Mitzy could legitimately buy liquor in people years. Our cat was four years older than my younger sister - when she was 21. I used to tell her “Catherine, I like you. Your cool and all, and I'm not trying to be mean here, but you have to understand that I am closer to Mitzy than I am to you. I’ve known her longer than you. We've had more time to bond, more common experiences. We lived through Reagonomics together." She didn’t think that was too funny. Here is one of my favorite stories about Mitzy. Once when I was 13, my older brother gave me a good pummeling one day. I was smaller, but could talk sh*t with the best of them and pissed him off. Being the youngest of three boys, lets just say - I may forgive, but I never forget. I respect a person who can hold a good grudge. Younger but smarter - I let my brother go on his way that day - his time would come. Well that evening, my brother decided to take a bath. Mid bath, vulnerable, guard down, thinking all is swell, I pick up my cat Mitzy, walk into the bathroom, open the shower curtain and tossed the cat on my brother and casually walked back out. I knew our cat hated water, and wasn’t de-cawed yet, and grabbed onto his chest like she was hanging upside down from a tree branch. Splashing, hissing, and a loud scream from my brother. Sweet vengeance. My older brothers have coined the day I used our cat as a weapon “The Day Monty Fought Back.”

Dogs: Dogs are significantly more of a responsibility as they require attention, multiple feedings daily (Homer: “This is the type of dog you have to feed every day”) and usually over night stays. Generally $40/day for a dog – this including an all inclusive wrist band to your refrigerator, cupboards, and liquor cabinet. I can also have friends over at your house on the weekends. Seems like a lot, however, most people were usually ecstatic about this just to have someone say yes short notice.
Dog sitting for my sister is usually a joy. They have a nice house, a super nice Collie, a big TV, comfortable clean guest bedroom, terrific food. I live in comfort. Having a shrimp, lobster and gouda omelet with a G&T for breakfast on Saturday morning kicks ass.
Yes, my sister laid out an itinerary for me with her dog. Which had specific times listed for different daily activities. Checked in on me too. Seriously. Incase I forgot – this was a dog, right? This thing has more structure than most 15 year olds. Her children are going to be robots. However, holding poker night at her house was excellent.

My worst experience was watching the house of a single mother co-worker. She is a good friend of mine, and I couldn’t say no. She has two dogs, a little yippper, a St. Bernard (?) and a lizard. This was during the work week so I had to stay overnight at her house in order to feed the dogs twice a day, and was a pain in the ass to the highest degree. Here are the circumstances of my stay.
#1. I get over there knowing she had a guest bedroom downstairs. Turns out this is where she lets the dogs sleep now. It smelled like urine and stinky dog musk. Completely horrible. So, I find out that I have to sleep either in her kids 4 ft long race car bed, or as she has set up - in her bed - which was so so weird. Freshly washed and everything, but I knew this girl and some sheets you can’t completely wash clean if you get my drift. Curious George should have never checked the night stand.

#2. The living room carpet had just been cleaned – the furniture was stacked and covered, and the only working TV was in her little kids play room, in which there was only a bean bag chair to sit on.

#3. No liquor. It was a work week, or else I would have sat in that bean bag chair and drank her wine all evening.

#4. I opened her fridge to make some dinner. All she has in there are fruit cups, yogurt, mozzarella string cheese, milk and OJ. Obviously she eats at work, her kid at pre-school, and had not been to the store in a while. So I open up the freezer and see a wide variety of frozen food packages, burgers, hot dogs. Looks promising. Until I looked closer and realized that they were 100% soy products. Soy burgers, soy hot dogs. Soy pizza. Soy ice.. It was sick. I left her a voice mail about that one.

So here’s the scene. I watched a movie in a child sized bean bag chair each evening, in a toy room with a lizard next to me. This room was next to the kitchen where a yipper and a St. Bernard sat behind a door in the kitchen that leads downstairs, barking and scratching at the door all evening until I went to bed. I would then try to fall asleep, laying on top of her comforter with a blanket until the ghosts of her former suitors left me alone. Finally, on the third and final morning, I was so ready to not come back. I get up, get ready for work, check all my bases, make sure I hadn’t left anything behind.

I go downstairs to my car in the garage, and see when I get to the bottom of the stairs, the night before the St. Bernard had sh*t on the floor and trampled it around the spare bedroom all evening. Oh my god it was a crime scene. I wasn’t going to clean it up in work clothes, cleaning it in general was above and beyond my feeding your dogs duty, but I couldn’t just leave a room full of sh*t behind. So I grabbed a spatula from her kitchen and shoveled and flicked all the poo from the floor onto her hallway rug. Once I got it all, I rolled the rug up in to a big doo burrito, put a note on it - Caution: There’s Sh*t in Here - and went to work.

I don’t know if there is a moral in these stories. Maybe make sure your bases are covered if you pet sit. Or just don’t pet sit. My days are done. People are fanatical about their animals and sleeping in a co-workers bed is super weird.

Kiva Knievel

Around Christmas time, I saw a PBS Frontline story that really sunk in. It was about the Kiva organization. If you are not familiar, Kiva is a microfinance organization based out of San Francisco. They help you connect and provide small business loans to entrepreneurs in developing countries around the world. These entrepreneurs then use the loan to start or further develop a small business in ways they never could before. You can then track the loan, and even get communication from the person you helped while the loan is paid back, with interest, over the course of the next 12-15 months. Pretty awesome stuff. An average loan is around $500-$1500, but you can donate as much as you want or as little as $25. Microfinancing is getting a lot of recognition and press recently, from Oprah, Clinton’s Book, The Today Show and others. This is a quick 2min explanation from Bill Clinton about Kiva. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDLlhW9LLKc

The press is desereved, it has truly been amazingly effective. There has been over $22M raised and over 33,500 business funded world wide. Multiple entrepreneur co-ops and even villages are all responsible for each others loans, this has kept the repayment rate at an astonishing 99.87%.

I decided this was for me, and I encourage everyone to take a look. Couldn’t have been easier. I went on to the Kiva website to check it out. I saw that some people have taken their money and reinvested the returns, and have over 40 businesses they have invested in now. So I registered and started searching through business plans. It is essentially like searching through Facebook, however, each profile has a basic description of a business plan.

I searched through about 40 profiles. Food production, clothing sales, tailoring, charcoal sales, farming, shoes. Nothing too exiting. Not saying that Jemeo, Rehema, Mastula and Prossy’s catering/food production business isn’t important, but I was looking for something different. I saw an Anderson Cooper 360 on the Congo and found out some charcoal businesses have killed humans and gorillas that have tried to create sanctuaries in charcoal rich areas. I wasn’t going to invest in that. I needed something I know I could stand behind. An honest go getter. Someone who is really gonna lay my $25 on the line to achieve something great. And then I found it. Houndjo Kpomo from Tsevie, Togo in West Africa. 29 years old, wife and a couple kids, who needs to buy a motorcycle. Why? This is incredible. In between his time spent as a peanut farmer and helping his wife at her retail shop – Houndjo needed a bike to follow his dream of becoming the #1 dare devil in Togo. Really? Swear to God. How could I not support this!! His plan was to keep working with his peanuts, and use his bike as a motorcycle taxi to raise money, then travel and perform stunts - jumping various rivers, gorges and animals in Togo. Sweet.

Luckily his loan was not yet fully funded. I immediately donated to him. A couple days later I got notice that his loan was fully funded and he would have his money shortly. I didn’t quite know what to expect, all I knew was that Houndjo was a true maverick. A dare devil of the likes the world has never seen. About two weeks after his loan was processed, I got a picture of his new motorcycle and helmet he bought – complete with stars and stripes. This was actually happening.

Not too long after I got a picture and a note about a jump he did. Unlike Evil and Robbie, who jump what, parked busses? For Houndjo’s first jump he cleared five African Elephants and a snapping croc in the Volta River. Are you kidding me? A note was posted the jump as very successful, and his reputation was rapidly growing in the area.

About three weeks after his vault over the Volta, I received word of a second jump. This brought spectators who walked over twenty miles from the coast, inland to the Ouatchi Plateau to watch Houndjo – who his now being referred to as “akpaviã dzidzimevi” which translates to Descendant of Raven in Ewe. The picture is amazing. Not only did he clear three large giraffes, but he did a Superman hold mid air. This jump has catapulted his notoriety around Togo and beyond.

I can't wait to hear his next feat. It was rumored he might jump a hippo and crocodile infested portion of the Ogou River, or maybe even a section of The Fish River Canyon. I will definitely keep you posted on his accomplishments. With out a doubt, greatness has come from one small microfinance loan. Who will be the next Houndjo? You’ll have to log onto Kiva to find out.

Not Quite Starving Artist Expo

Below are a few examples of some art work of mine... I share because many of you have not seen all of what I've finished recently or even knew I do this stuff. I hope you enjoy, and if I don't go on another 2 year hiatus, there should be more to share soon. Still looking for female nude models to sketch. Let me know if interested. I'm joking, but I did see an ad on Craigs List posted by a U of MN "art student" that he would pay $8/hr. Needed to finish his portfolio this semester. UUhhyeah.. Sure buddy. If that isn't an order of sketch ball soup. He's just behind his easel drawing wobbily stick figures. Next think you know, it puts the lotion in the basket. Anyways - Enjoy!

Neil Young. This is a couple years old - but I just got a copy of it back.

A pair of salt and pepper grinders I suped up with some acrylics for a Christmas present. I thought they were pretty funny - however the person I gave them to either didn't like them, or thought I bought them, and thanked me instead for the shitty bottle of wine I gave with these. Whatever. Throw them away. Last time I try to do something unique. Enjoy your Barnes&Noble gift card next year.

This is my most recent drawing. Tiger of course.

This is a 15x30 painting of the 7th hole at Pebble Beach, and a long promised and awaited gift to my brother.

Celebrity Look-Alikes

The following are a few look-alikes that I put together for you. More of these to come in time. Hope you enjoy!

Actor John Amos - Best known to me as Cleo McDowell from Coming to America (McDowells Burgers) looks alot like screaming crazy ass TV evangelist Kerney Thomas. You may not stay up late enough.

Former co-worker "Scooter" Carlson looks surprisingly like Danny, a primordial dwarf that I saw in a recent National Geographic documentary. This is Danny's high school grad pic!

Twin Cities local celeb/entrepreneur Dick Enrico of 2nd Wind Exercise Equipment "Why buy new when second hand will do - Except for when the deals are this good!" looks quite like my Halloween costume a couple years ago of a notorious Bartender at the local G-Mill restaurant I go to.

Irish professional golfer Padraig Harrington - winner of the last British Open is a dead ringer for of all people Charlie Bucket?!?

This well known look alike - Actor Gary Busey looks strikingly similar to #1 Facebook hustler and Playboy - Mr. Lass. Get some! Famed Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson looks eerily similar to this guy. Don't know who he is, Mike O' something. O'Daniel. O'Dog. I just typed in black guy + suit + science in Google images.