Monty's Election Deception

For the 2006 Senate election day, yours truly was ahead of the curve. Specially saved for this occasion on a tack board in my room was an "I Voted" sticker from the last presidential election. The night before I set my alarm clock for a restful 9:30am. The morning of the Senate election, I awoke, got dressed for work, had a nice breakfast, and before I left - I took the "I Voted" sticker off my tack board, scraped the back of it with my fingernail so it was sticky again and put it on. Strolling into the office late morning wearing my I Already Voted and You Didn't sticker, I not only looked responsible and civic minded, but amazing fresh with my three extra hours of sleep. Especially considering that others thought I rose early and fought a morning crowd to make sure I performed my civic duty. My boss was very proud. I then went and voted after work. Try it - it works!!

Royally Squeezed

All was well for The Big Squeeze. Upon completion of a successful first half of the baseball season, the business was running smoothly, a solid customer base was built, the product was widely enjoyed and profits were being realized. However, back in December when the home made lemonade business was started, the entrepreneurs didn’t factor into their business plan that their largest battle wasn’t going to be squeaking out a profit, but surviving the jealousy, envy, trash talking and back stabbing of the other food vendors on Kirby Puckett Plaza. Ending recently by the heel of a global corporation swiftly squashing the dream that was The Big Squeeze, to recapture the meager earnings they made..A sour ending to a once sweet enterprise.

Back in December, my roommate Capitan Adam and his two brothers Big P and J Stew conceptualized a dream. A significant part of their summers growing up, all at some point worked at a freshly squeezed lemonade stand named Rob’s Lemonade. Rob vended at different street festivals and summer fests. It was here their passion for lemonade began, as they learned the ropes of the business and honed their squeezing and shaking technique. Mastering the trade, it was time to go into business for themselves, start their own stand and own their own business. A way to earn some extra money with their free time, but more importantly have some fun and make some damn good lemonade.

The cold winter months were spent in a garage planning the business and hand building the Cadillac of lemonade stands. Two of them. These weren’t stands, but were essentially a small kitchen on wheels. With the onset of spring, meeting after meeting, they interviewed with directors of summer festivals, parks and plazas trying to find a home to vend for the summer. After several interviews it became discouraging. Everyone wanted some new twist on freshly squeezed lemonade. As if it wasn’t good enough already. Some wanted 100% organic – organic lemons, organic sugar. Sounds good except for the product wasn’t so good, and the margins were shot. Some required a fruit smoothie component with the stand. This again was expensive, and took them away from their primary focus – making some damn good lemonade. Finally, they interviewed with the Minnesota Twins. Before every home game on Kirby Puckett Plaza outside the Metrodome the Twins offer a variety of activities for the fans. A live band (generally some local act you remember being pissed off at one night for having to a pay cover at your local pub because they were) games, contests, player autographs, and numerous vendors. Brats, popcorn, ribs, beer, mini doughnuts and more.

The Twins loved their idea. Budweiser and Coke products being the only beverages offered at the Metrodome, freshly made lemonade gave fans an alternative choice to liquor or soda.

An official business had to be incorporated first in order to become a vendor of the Twins. This is where I stepped in… A brainstorming secession took place one night over a couple beverages and yours truly came up with the name The Big Squeeze. Soon after, I drew up a working copy of the logo for the company. Upon the signing of a contract, The Big Squeeze became the official fresh lemonade of the Minnesota Twins, the cups went to print, and they were to be there to vend at every home game. This was a terrific opportunity, as the Twins are currently constructing a brand new outdoor stadium, getting in as a vendor meant possibly securing rights to work the new park as well.

With a late spring, opening day for the Big Squeeze was when the Bronx Bombers came to town in late May. After a rainy first day of business, and $25 gross sales, doubts of the businesses success loomed. These were quickly forgotten the next day. A hot early summer day, the reception was overwhelming and business was frantic, selling out of product both Saturday and Sunday games. Business continued to flourish every sunny game day from then on. The Big Squeeze established themselves quickly as a force on Kirby Puckett Plaza and were soon welcomed by other vendors with the carnie initiation of trading food. Publicity was mounting as well. The yellow Big Squeeze collector cups were seen all over inside and outside the Metrodome. Pictures were featured on the Twins website and the stand was even featured on Fox Sports Network during pregame broadcasts. A small fan club started consisting of an unusual collection of really strange individuals that patroned the vendor plaza with no intention what so ever of going into the baseball game. Not homeless, but deranged, merely there to chat with vendors and maybe scare up some free left over food. With one free lemonade, stories were told of which vendors always have left over food, and where they throw it away. Most specifically the roasted corn on the cob guy, who throws away sometimes bags of uneaten corn. Notes were taken. The success of the Big Squeeze was noticed. Thoroughly enjoyed by the fans, it became increasingly aware it was not liked by all. After seeing The Big Squeeze’s first successful day, it started with the cold glare of the other beverage vendors during set up. This unspoken animosity soon turned evident and nasty. You started to over hear the Budweiser vendors yelling to the crowd “Lemonade sucks…buy beer!” The coke vendors came over and started questioning the source of the water being used. The popcorn lady came over, who no doubt had relationships with the other beverage vendors, bought a lemonade and said “This Sucks” and dumped it out. It seemed any day a pack of scraggily drunken vendors would wonder up and circle the stand. “Well well well…Wadda we gots heeaahhh...Looks like we’s gotst aww selves a lem'nade stand here boys.. Your kind isn’t welcome in these parts no mo. Infact, yous was neverwelcome round heeahh.”

This tension built up until finally last week, The Big Squeeze received a voice mail from the Minnesota Twins stating that they received a complaint from the Coca Cola Corporation, that The Big Squeeze was eating into their profits too much. Also, that the relationship with the Big Squeeze violated their pre-existing contract with the Twins that included the sale of their lemonade product - Minute Maid Lemonade. The iron fist of corporate America intervened to snuff out a locally owned hand made lemonade stand. Not only is Minute Maid lemonade less than 5% juice, it is bottled, and filled with artificial flavoring and high fructose corn syrup. A far cry from a freshly cut lemon, water and sugar – shaken not stirred.

Completely ignoring not only the difference in product, but the fact that many fans enjoyed the product, it is made by a local company not to mention that - holy shit – kids like lemonade – the Twins revoked the The Big Squeeze’s contract to make hand made lemonade and asked them to not come back. Lawyers are currently being spoken to. Unfortunately the Coca Cola Corporation has much deeper pockets than this home based lemonade business. In the end, even if some sort of settlement could be reached, that is not of significance. It is the death of a dream. The loss of the smile on a child’s face when they take a sip of their first hand made lemonade. If the game is truly for the fans, the spineless, cowardly Minnesota Twins had no problem immediately dropping to their knees with a simple wave by corporate America. Sacrificing their ethics, and the over all quality of enjoyment of the fans - who they pretend to care so much about - who they want to make the journey to spend their hard earned wages on small market baseball in a half empty bubble, and now can't even drink a fresh lemonade on a hot day. Kirby no doubt looks down on his plaza in shame.

Hot or Not - LPGA Edition

Last week I was able to attend the U.S. LPGA Open in Minnesota. Yes, I went to a women's golf tournament. Shut up. A friend suggested I should have walked through the main gates, and upon seeing my first golfer yelled loudly, "Wait..wait..wait a minute.. You didn't tell me this was WOMENS GOLF!! I'm out of here!" I had a good time, but yes, there were a few key differences between attending a women's LPGA major and a men's PGA major. 1) With free admittance under 18 years of age, there were little brats running around everywhere constantly, whoring autographs from every woman with a club in their hand. Many of which they, I, or anyone else has never heard of. Parents pushing their kids up to the front of the ropes and telling their kids the golfers name from the guide so they can beg. "Morgan, can I have your autograph?" says a three year old to their dads delight. All players remained courteous and generous. Many foreigners didn't get the same courtesy though, no "excuse me Miss Dim Sung Park! Miss Ni San Pho!! Miss Park Park Fu Park can I have your autograph?" The kids just shoved their hats in front of the foreigners, blocking their way to the next tee until they scribbled something on an already full hat of autographs. Or a camera man would put a camera right into the face of a Korean player as she left the green and made her repeat "Plaayee Golf Mi Nee Sota" until she got it right. These constant delays lead to almost seven hour practice rounds in 90 degree heat and was annoying as hell. 2) There were a ton of lesbian couples in the crowd. Not only was there a U.S. Women's open in town (dozens of young, tone, athletic girls for these gals to peruse) but there was, by chance or not, a GLBT Pride festival happening the same weekend in the Twin Cities. That means not only could they check out high caliber woman empowering entertainment, but when they're done, they can drive over to Loring Park and make a non-legally binding life commitment to forever eat each others box. It was a great weekend for lesbianism. Walking around in the gallery everywhere were women strongly resembling a young Kathy Whitworth. How do I know these ladies were lesbians? I don't, but, when you see two women walking around that look like Fred Funk, with a nice athletic haircuts, wearing Tevas, holding hands and beaming because they just got close enough to Laura Davies to see the sweat stain from her FUPA - they might be lesbians. 3) Holy Korean invasion. Seriously, not only was every other golfer on the course Korean, but packs of asians followed the asian golfers, surrounded by several asian photographers following each asian grouping with big asian cameras taking very asian photographs. I haven't seen that many asian people since I went to the second floor of Club Taboo during a techno show and felt like Andre the Giant walking around. 4) The final difference was there were several very very attractive female golfers walking around in very nice mini skirts, with very nice tanned legs out there. It was quite enjoyable to watch through out the day.

Several times over the past two years, I have debated with multiple people - who is the hotter of the two most prominent LPGA "Lookers". Paula Creamer or Natalie Gulbis. Aside from Mannika and Borena, these two ladies by far had the largest crowds at the tourney. I personally have been shocked at how adament people are about taking one position or the other on this subject especially when it is so obvious. Not only that, but how many people disagree with my position. I won't tell you my preference. I, however, will give you the opportunity yourselves to completely strip these women of any professional credentials and talent, and judge them merly as I have, on their physicality. So here you go - Gulbis vs. Creamer.

Natalie Gulbis: Overstated, over stacked, under framed bottle blonde. Humba Jumba. If this photo of her stretching doesn't give you an X Flex, one of Adam Scott may.

Paula Creamer: I will give her this, as seen here on the putting green, she has great legs. I watched her stroke for quite some time. She is a good putter. I see her homely, youthful appeal. But, am I the only one who notices the maniacal smile? Frumpy downturned stare? And where did her chin go? Not to mention she constantly wears sunglasses so large it makes a blind person jealous. It is a no brainer. Gulbis takes the cake. Yet I have not met one person yet who, when it's brought up, sides with me on this subject. I'm not even saying she is the best on the LPGA Tour.. Because she's not. I'm just stating that she is hotter than Paula Creamer. Hands down.

Hot or Not - LPGA Edition: In this following section, I will give you a glimpse of some of the more well known characters on the LPGA tour. Some are hot - some definitely are not.

Laura Davies. A physique that makes John Daly blush. This giant English Hobbit is known for her big swings and big appetite. How much would you pay to lick that belt under her muffin top after a sweaty 18? Me? Alot. Definitely Hot.

Christina Kim: Widely known as the "Always Fashionable" one on the ladies tour. I have one question. Fashion is supposed to invoke reaction right? Is puking in your mouth the right reaction? And if seeing her on the course doesn't make you let a rip cord go, how about her in evening wear? I wonder what she's eyeing with that seductive look? A Culvers? Business or casual she does herself no justice - she's as broken as a three wheeled Radio Flyer. Definitely Not Hot.

Song-Hee Kim: The Yang to the above Yin. Want a girl that will never get fat? The lustful physique of an anorexic cross country runner? Well here you go. Song-Hee, I think those sponsors on your cap pay you enough money now to eat. Not Hot.

Lorena Ochoa: If she didn't leave something in the shorts after this shot I would be surprised. Many times, you see a different side of a woman once they let their hair down. I wasn't sold on Lorena until I found this picture of her softer side. Certified babe. Natural smile, natural beauty and definitely a Hottie. Not. (That's a not joke).

Minea Blomqvist: I saw her up close on the course. Thought she was a total cutie. Nice, petite, Finnish accent. Big fan. I then found this photo and am completely perplexed. Yikes! The delicate facial features of Lurch from the Munsters. I don't know which way to go. Alright, Hot - under the condition that she wears golf attire and a visor all day. I'm talking night too.

Suzann Petterson: A true Jeckyll and Hyde. The first time I saw her I thought she was a Norwegian hottie. I then saw her again, and questioned if it was the same person I saw the first time. I then realized that she fluctuates like the tides. The above photos are of her at her best. Not a bad looking woman.

But then you see this and she looks like a totally different person. Tag Heuer couldn't bring her best out, and that bottom right photo is inexcusable. I'm sorry, but I am going to have to vote - Not Hot. Nikki Garrett: This 24 year old Australian born player on the Ladies European tour has been known for taking some pretty saucy photos, as seen on the left. But, get her out of that studio lighting and she looks like Adam Carola. Definitely - Not Hot.

Michelle Wie: Her fall from grace has been a spectacle to watch. Even though her game is in the tank, those legs will keep her in business for a long time. Don Gaaa. Hot.
Sa Kura Yukomiune: Heeerrr Roooooo. Hard to decide whats hotter - her in golf attire or in a kimono and powdered face. She can be my geisha any day. Me rove you rong time. Hot.

Danah Ford: Wrapping it up with the A list. This relatively unknown is on the Futures Tour, however, she is currently smokin hot. This stock photo does her no justice. I wish her all the luck in the world, and hope the Futures Tour makes a stop in the Twin Cities soon. I have already set aside money to buy her calendar when she reaches the ladies tour. Those following Creamer and Gulbis at the U.S. Open had no clue. Most certainly - Hot. Anna Rawson: Wow.. So easily makes Paula Creamer look like a homeless woman, and compared to Anna, Natalie Gulbis has the natural beauty of a porn star. Side to side, the red headed step children that they are, Anna wipes them off the charts in Tsunami like fashion. Not only is she a professional model.. but she's a pro golfer too.. I mean come on. I'm defenseless. In my world of digging golf chicks, she is Hera, queen of the fairways. Her Myspace already has 2882 friends... and soon to be 2883.