That's Gonna Leave a Mark...

Have you ever been in a situation, right before something quite bad is about to happen, and time seems to stand still? The initial Oh F**k with the realization of the impending event, a sudden surge of adrenaline hits, and then time stops, you're Hiro Nakimura, and the following moments feel like individual frames clicking away one by one until WHAMMO it happens.. If you have you'd know. If not - whats your deal? You're definitely not living dangerously enough. Not telling you to go risk your life here, but I'm just saying even Bubble Boy got out and saw some action. Although it is definitely scary when these moments happen, you may have to go to the hospital, police, principals office, home to change the trousers, or worse, your funeral, you are definitely In The Moment man. These usually aren't great moments, some I would gladly exchange for a quiet evening of Whose Line is it Anyway, but they've happened and I've survived. Examples... let me think of a few... lets say you're...

• You're sliding on ice, pumping the brakes and its doing nothing, heading for the car in front of you and its inevitable you are going to rear end them. And you tag lets say..a red caravan.
• You're seven years old and free falling to the ground after a branch in your family's apple tree you were hanging onto breaks. Your face first collision with the ground is cushioned by??? A big rock.
• You're getting on the freeway from an on ramp, and your car hits a patch of ice right at the bottom and you start fish tailing severely, ON A BRIDGE. After three or so uncontrolable whips, your car does a violent 180 and stops with out hitting anything. Thankfully...except for now you're FACING TRAFFIC straddling the lane divider line - and the next two cars coming at you at 55mph PART YOU before the rest stop in time. So how do you celebrate still having your life? Well you go to work, explain to your boss why you're late (had to scoop the shit out of my slacks) and have a mundane below average work day.
• You're nine years old and currently mid air, flung from a tractor inter tube after your older brothers put you in one and rolled you down your neighbors hill. After two revolutions, you are flung out - soaring over the edge of a three or so foot terrace. Landing on your left arm, ending up with a compound fracture two days before your family goes on a six week European vacation. You then have to wear a cast up to your shoulder, for two extra weeks too, and wade in the water with a M-Fing garbage bag taped over your arm when everyone else is swimming in the ocean waves. As the trip is wrapping, you go to England - and what does dad have planned for an activity one day?? Visiting the largest water park in London!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! (no hostility what so ever).. No..no.. you guys go. I'm 9 - what are waterslides to me??? I'm fine here in the wading pool pissing myself for fun. Seriously, where next? Wonka's Chocolate Factory and I have to sit in the car because my smelly cast is a contaminate?
• Your older brother takes a slap shot at your neighborhood outdoor ice rink right as you skate in to get a puck from the net - and his shot is heading right for your head. (no helmets here) Definite facial surgery coming your way - except for you Jedi like lift your stick up in front of your face at the last moment, deflecting the puck at your eyes perfectly over the back fence.
• You rifled a snowball in a snowball fight at a high school retreat. You let one fly and immediately notice your Pedro Martinez high heat is on target, but a couple clicks high in the strike zone - and zooming towards a head. Ends up Tattooing and I mean TATTOOING Ikemay Llenay (pig Latin for Google protective purposes) right between the eyes.

I don't completely know what those stories have to do with these photos, except for the following peoples lives are definitely flashing through their eyes when these squeamish pics were snapped. Call the med vac because There Will Be Blood. I want to thank Dools for these pics - you may not want to be enjoying lunch while looking at these..

Senior Picture Day!

With the coming of spring means that the final touches on High school yearbooks are being done and they are about to be sent to press and given out. An exiting time to look at every one in your grade and their Senior Photos. Whose is the best? Who did a funny picture? Who went to Glamor Shots? Whose that kid! And then sign every ones year book with words you don't really mean and intentions you'll seldom make good on. "Trapperkeeper - Lets hang this summer!" Great times. "Aarnt - See you at College - we'll party!" But.. if you remember before all that, as soon as you got your pictures taken at the studio, you would bring them back to school and give them out to your friends. Some were good, some not so good, some flat out embarrassing. Your best one was in the yearbook. Your worst one...well I know we swore we would never release some of these photos, but I have a surprise for you. I found my old stash of High school photos that friends had given me and thought I should share. It is just too much fun to look back and see how much we've all changed since that day. It is amazing who we've turned into from I don't exactly know what we were back then. I hope you enjoy this blast from the past!

Lass was always playing his trombone! Four year band letter.

I don't know why a mustache was so cool in High school. Maybe just to have facial hair. But TRE's Mattingly was the balls and by far the coolest stache in school. Always wearing your Odyssey of the Mind State Champ ring too.

Hiiii Yaaa!!! Serious hair do for a serious green belt. Your routine at the talent show was legend. Did you ever get the black belt?

Hoppa - I still don't know what tribal gown your parents made you wear. Was it some ceremonial garb? Thank god for you this wasn't in the yearbook.

I don't know why I thought being a hunter was so cool back then. I didn't even really hunt, just had a huge weapon. But that was my niche, and my Tom Selleck was primo.

TRE and his truck. Man you loved that thing almost as much as the Mattingly. Nice leather braded belt there too buddy.

Mike Dog - after slipping a year behind because of the "incident" you look like its no big deal - but I know inside you were elated to finally get that diploma!

Howdie. I forgot Youngie was country back in the day.

Houndjo Flies Again

So I just got an email from The Kiva Organization again, letting me know of the recent activity of my Kiva sponsor Houndjo. They went over two things in the letter - he just repaid Kiva $85 so far out of the $750 he was loaned, secondly, he just made a recent jump that didn't go so well. I don't know how happy Kiva is about Houndjo. Even though he is getting quite popular through out the African continent (he just got invited to participate in the Zambian XGames or ZGames) I believe they think he is on a suicide mission, and there is a significant chance he may die before repaying his loan. A Kiva funded death would not look good for organization either. None the less, I think it's rad. He is a five star lender, repaying his loan on time and becoming a legend in the process.

As mentioned before, Houndjo had his eyes set on jumping part of the Fish River Canyon in Namibia. Well he attempted it. He made some sort of home made rocket ship, which surprisingly performed fine, however, his trajectory was slightly underestimated and he fell far shy of his intended target, crashing into a rock cliff on the other side. Aside from bruised ribs, brused ego, a broken coccyx and a mild concussion he survived. Thankfully. This also I think is a point of contention for Kiva. That Houndjo is building rocket ships now instead of repaying his loan first. Understandable concern, but I say let him build his reputation first, and the sponsor money will follow. He is apparently talking to Windhoek Light - the number one Light beer in Namibia. Pretty cool. Sure he may have gotten a little ahead of himself. Maybe he'll stick to jumping animals in the bush again for a while. But you never know. This is Houndjo, Akpavia Dzidzimevi, The Descendant of Raven in Ewe, a dare devil of the likes the world has never seen. More to come...

Here are some photos of his most recent jump over the Fish River Canyon.

Time Elapse Photo

Proposition 317

I just want to wish everyone a happy and fun St. Patty's Day this weekend. Even though its not until Monday - Saturday is the official day to tolerate Irish music this year. So tip your hat, knock a few back and dance a jig with a new friend. Or go to a wedding shower. What ever sounds more fun. I still get grief from a male friend about my decision not to attend his wedding shower last year held on St. Patrick's Day. How many errors can you find in that last sentence? By far one of the greatest holidays all year. I for one already have the corned beef brewing in the crock pot. I truly wish I was in Chitown right now. Some of the most fun times of my life. Anyways, be safe and don't get yourself in any trouble, and if you are lucky enough, you just might see yourself a Leprechaun. Or a crack heeeaaad.

First things first Saturday- check the Irish Palm Pilot.

Common attire for some - but please kick me in the nads if you ever see me with this crap on.

More Extreme. I think St. Patrick's Day in Dublin lacks some of the flare it does here.

I think in Ireland you just drink until you start conversing with a Leprechaun wearing a crown. You talking to me? You talking to me? Eeeyyyy.

Avoidable. Looking good sweetie! I guess taking off the green and white cat in the hat to drive didn't fool them. Nice skirt. Are those her curtains?

Also avoidable. But commendable effort. You made it. Home Safe Home.

Love Happens on St. Patrick's Day. I can't think of a more romantic setting.. drunk Sox fans walking through your photo ten times...hooting at your new bride to show her t*ts.

Lust happens too. A stumbling pasty ass Irish girl with a super wedgie flossed thong and a bottle of booze. Hot. Well done buddy. Get some! Right? What garbage can did you find her in? Have fun making out with that puke mouth.

Speaking of lust. Hi. Soo.. come here much? You...girls Irish?? Whatever, I call John Madden on the right. She can carrying me home tomorrow. Or a keg. As needed.

Gentledogs Quarterly

On behalf of everyone I just wanted to congratulate our friend and fellow reader Mike Dog for gracing the cover of this months GQ! Well done and truly incredible Mike. How did this all happen? How come I wasn't invited to your cover party?? I knew you were featured in Highlights Magazine a while ago, but where did this come from? I was picking up some Benedryl and a RedBull from CVS yesterday and I see this sitting next to the register. Needless to say I was taken back. And wow - what a candid, classy, a vanguard photo of you too. Is that a G&T? When did you start sailing? Well it was a great issue - your article was fantastic. Is that really true about you and Ewan McGregor parasailing in Fiji? Where did you meet him? Great story about how you got the Dog on the end of your name too. Also thats hilarious how people think that is you in the Kim Kardashian Video. Anyways - I look forward to seeing where this all takes you next.

Reader Mailbag

Here is a postcard I got in the mail the other day from a reader. Thanks again for the nice note P - it really made my day. Glad you are having a great time. I can't wait to see where my next letter comes from! Hopefully not the IRS! Have a terrific weekend everyone.

Celebrity Look-Alikes 2

More celebrity look-alikes!! A new batch of my critically acclaimed blog I put together for you. If you know of a celebrity look alike I should add, or you look just like Jay Leno or something and have a photo, or have a photo of a friend you want me to doctor, or hate mail you would like me to include in Look-Alikes 3, feel free to email me at unclemontyschurchkey@gmail.com

Not too much lead in here - lets get to it.

Fantasy Football guru Mel Keiper Jr. looks like he could be the love child of Eddie Munster and Joey Buttafouco. Probable, except for we know Joey was hot to trot for little girls instead - his love for underage Long Island Lolita Amy Fischer. Amy returned this love to Joey by shooting his wife Mary Jo Buttafouco in the face.

Revenge of the Nerds rock violinist Poindexter looks like a young Robert Mruczek. Don't know Robert? You should. Robert was up for an Oscar this year - Best Supporting Nerd in a Classic Gaming Documentary genre- for his work in Fistful of Quarters: King of Kong. I can not express my love for this movie enough. Rent it. The inner workings of a video game cult known as Twin Galaxies, the official score keeper of classic video game records. Nerds battle for world records all movie, specifically a dual in Donkey Kong. Robert is the undisputed champion in the original Star Wars game, but also has over 57 other world records.

NERDS!!!!!

Fem boy screws everything up Silas from the Showtime series Weeds looks quite like vigilante murderer Erica Bain, played by Jodie Foster in The Brave One.. I think both are lesbians and Ellen DeGeneres would make hash on both their boxes.

Was there a worse cameo ever scripted??? Mary Kate Olson appeared in about five episodes in the most recent season of Weeds as a Jesus loving pot dealer to the elderly. She sucked. Just flat out sucked. Worst casting I have ever seen. That was until I saw 3:10 to Yuma. The following play Cowboys: Australian accented Russell Crow, the gay kid from 6 Feet Under and finally Luke Wilson. Who is in the movie for 5 minutes before getting killed. Luke Wilson? Vince Vaughn busy? Hanging out on the set one day? Anyways, I think Mary Kate Olson looks like a Loris monkey. And if the rumors are true about Hef trying to get the Olson aliens in P-Boy, consider my subscription cancelled.


This hip hombre is the first I've seen to cash in on the recent success of No Country for Old Men when he went to the barber and said - "Give me the Chigurh!" the barber questioned the look and asked "Are you sure?" and the young trendsetter takes a coin out and responds "call it".


New York Yankee Johnny Damon and his wife Michelle looks strikingly similar to this couple below. Some ham boned hoppa son I saw in the bar on New Years.