Funkmaster Flesh

Is there anything more funny than fleshlights?? I doubt it. The jokes are endless. A buddy at a friends house.. "UUuuuhhhh Dave.... why... do you have a Maglite in your dishwasher??" "Aahh..shit...ahhh" or a wife... "Uhhh Steve?" "Yeah Honey?" "Why do you have a Maglite in the dish washer? ... and why does...it... have... a.... mustache? Oh my God." "Aahh...shit... ahhh" or talking about someone..."Listen.. I'm not saying Tom's gay...but lets just say his fleshlight probably has a mustache." You're in the dark if you haven't noticed that these things are not only hilarious, but are every where. I can barely check my Hotmail with out being tempted to order anoth...I mean one. The greatest thing about them is you put the cap on, and it looks just like a flashlight! Your secret is safe. They look so much like a flashlight infact, somedays I just carry one attached to my belt with a carabiner clip. Don't believe me? Here are a couple examples of how they're being used in every day life beyond the obvious.

De-motivational Posters Props! What do you think they used before the special effects were added in??

Celebrities are even cashing in on to the popularity of fleshlights and have started endorsing specific custom lines. Following in the footsteps of women who have lent a plaster cast, it is an easy source of revenue for men with prominent mustaches as well. If, of course, they don't mind the obvious..

"The Walrus" is a classic model among Chubby chasers. The Ditka and Wilford Brimley models did not sell as well.

There are apparently quite a few that have always dreamed of showing Don their Bronx Bomber, "The Slugger" can't stay on the shelves on the East coast.

Always had a thing for Geraldo? "The Investigator" can take a beating and comes with a detachable nose splint in case it does.

Between Star Wars fans and prisons, "The Bounty Hunter" is a massive success and has already sold over 250,000 units. That will teach you to sell Hon to Jabba, Lando.

New in 07, this limited edition is fitted with custom chrome casing and detachable shades. "The Chopper" packs some serious attitude and is on the way to becoming the most sought after light on the market.

A blog about fleshlights?

Bronze the Schfonz

AAAaaayyyy Milwaukee. After months of speculation, government approvals and fund raising, the City of Milwaukee now has all the pieces in place, and this summer will "Bronze the Fonz" and erect a life size statue of Fonzie in downtown Milwaukee. For anyone that knows Milwaukee, the statue will be erected on the corner of E. Wisconsin Ave. and N. Water St., near the Chase Plaza office tower. I'm guessing one of two buildings above 25 stories. I heard about this story from a Milwaukee resident recently, with glee, apparently one of the greatest things to happen to the city since Ray Allen.

Milwaukee will be the fourth city to do something of this sort. Minneapolis has a statue of Mary Richards, the main character from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", New York City erected a statue of Ralph Kramden, Jackie Gleason's character from "The Honeymooners", and Bob Hartley, from "The Bob Newhart Show," was erected near the entrance to Chicago's Navy Pier. Milwaukee decided against erecting statues of it's other famous residents, Luverne & Shirley, Chris Farley, Jeffrey Dahmer or Cryptosporidium because “The Fonz embodies fun and will generate additional foot traffic for the Riverwalk and throughout downtown,” said Stacie Callies, executive director, Westown Association. “The location will also provide an attractive photo opportunity that will showcase the city via countless posts on the web.” Countless Stacie. And what glorious photos they will be.

I of course googled the story after I heard about it, and the funniest part about the story was after the funds were raised Henry Winkler gave a press conference to thank the city. Held where? The site of the statue? City Hall?? Nope.. Culvers. Naturally. In fact I was expecting the camera to pan to the side and see an empty pulpit where the Chamber of Congress is held. Seriously Milwaukee. You like Culvers? Your butter burgers?

Erecting Fonzie is an important step in the movement to beautify our public areas, bring art into our daily activities, and remind us just how important television is in our daily lives. If this trend continues, cities will be erecting statues every day across the country. And if you were counting, I was able to use the word erect eight times in this.

Go Away Rachael Ray

There is a thorn in my side and it goes by thy name Rachael Ray. Yes you Rachael. You suck. I’m seeing you again and again and again, on new networks, I can only roll my eyes and let out a loud sigh. What can I do? I have screamed. I have complained. I have thrown remotes. Nothing. You continue to fester. You were formerly the most annoying cooking personality on TV, and now you are branching out with the incessant vigor of Eurasian Milfoil. I have a reoccurring nightmare – I’m at an amusement park, stuck on a perpetual ferris wheel sitting between you and David Schwimmer. I wake up every time as I am free falling through my suicide leap. You are making a serious run up my most hated celebrity list, contending for a cherished position specially reserved for Kathy Griffin, who has had a vice lock grip on #1 for 6 years running. How the hell are you as popular as you are? Your perkiness and energy are infectious – infectious like wanting to drop kick a Chihuahua infectious. You’re seriously annoying. You’re seriously repetitive with your seriously stupid Rachael isms. You constantly flail your arms around like a headless turkey. You talk out of one side of your mouth like a stroke victim. You have NO real credentials as a chef. You are the William Hung of celebrity chefs. Where did you go to cooking school Rachael? French Culinary Institute? Le Cordon Bleu? Where? That’s right. No where. You make goulash. Mario Batali wouldn’t serve your food to his busboys.
You found success with your 30 Minute Meals in Albany. Good for you. But you just had to use that to get on the Food Network. You gained popularity with your $40 a Day: Best Eats in Town show. It’s a shame it wasn’t revealed earlier by these restaurants how it was possible for you to eat all those great meals at such great places for under $40. You short the wait staff. Gaining popularity at the expense of the common man. I was about as surprised to hear that as I was when I heard how you freaked out on your staff Chris Berman style for bringing you the coffee you are the spokes woman for (Dunkin’) instead of your preferred Starbucks. Rumors.. Right. How did you get off thinking you could branch out from there? Suckling Oprah’s teat until you got your own daytime talk show. Since when is a sub par chef certified to give daytime advice to women? Just because Tyra’s forehead and Steve the bouncer from Springer have their own shows DOES NOT mean you should get in the mix and try to become the next Martha. Seriously, you? And you interview guests? I want to see you interview Gene Simmons like I want to see Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods host the Top 10 Beaches on the Travel Channel. You were quoted with the syndication announcement of your show saying "People know me for my love of food, but I have so much more I want to share." Rachael. Did you ever stop to think that we don’t want you to share your recipes – let alone your thoughts?
I see you sexing up your look too Rachael. I noticed. It’s not working for me. Remember when Jenny Jones tried to turn into Hot Jenny Jones in her later years to save ratings? Same result with you. In your terms – limp noodle. Yeah, I know FHM had you in the 100 Sexiest Women in 2004 and 2006. Don’t get ahead of your self Ray - I have also seen the redhead daywalker from American Pie make that list. I have seen Marissa Miller NOT make that list. The list is as exclusive as a soup kitchen and less accurate than a dyslexic accountant. Random celebrity pingpong balls. Giada makes you look like foie gras and she makes better food too.

So what makes you popular Rachael? You’re beer and the rest of the Food Network is Champagne? Your Rachael Rayisms? Yum-o! So Delish! Calling Dunkin’ Donuts “Fantabulous!!” “Oh my gravy” you’re so f-ing lame. You like blending words Rachael? Lets see..You’re sucktastic. Craptacular. Fannoying. I was elated to see that your poor woman’s excuse for Martha Stewart was circling the Nielsen’s bowl faster than the Sarah Connor Crapticles. Your star is falling Ray. I’ll be there to catch it the day I look up one of your recipes.

With disdain,

Uncle Monty

Masters Look A-Like

This morning on the Dan Patrick show, there was a short segment where he was discussing "You Da' Man" ers at golf tournaments when Tiger is hitting. How they are the absolute worst people on the planet and they completely ruin telecasts. They discussed the need for a separate "You Da' Man" police at Tournaments, where you could report offenders and have them escorted out immediately. This brought me back to a little golf Major I attended a few years ago when I had the good fortune of standing right next to Mr. Lass when out of no where he yelled at the top of his lungs "Go In the Hole!!" in the middle of a crowd when Tiger hit a shot on a par 3. Yup. Mr. Lass is a "Go In the Hole"er. Close to 4,000 people glared at us. I immediately turned around. I couldn't look. Didn't need to. I could physically feel the glares and the communal thoughts of 4,000 people saying "F-ing Douchebag" in their head at the same time. I couldn't believe it. Close to the worst moment of my life. If there were "You Da Man" police around you better believe I would have reported Mr. Lass and had his ass escorted out.

There is little point to this following part other than Trevor Immelman, winner of Sunday's Masters Golf Tournament, is a serious look alike to Gary from Team America. I found hard not to chuckle whenever he was on screen.
"I want to believe in you Trevor. I remember the first time we met. You were a simple golfer on the NationWide Tour, afraid to let me carry your bag because you thought I wanted you to perform orenthal sax on me...And now the tables have turned.. I don't know if I can trust you to hit an 8 iron on 16."

"Come on Trevor.. Golf.. You have the power."

"Bak Derk Derk Ala. Dogleg dogleg aMasters Jihad!"

Art

A little piece I painted the other day from a pic I took in Boston harbor of a lobster boat.

A Giggidy Deposit

With the onset of Golf season, I was reminded of a little story from last fall. I went to the bank one day to cash a check. There were three twenty something blond tellers working that afternoon. The one helping me was cute, a pinch of trashy and had a tongue ring. Helll-ooo. She asks me what I'm up to today while processing my check. I told her I had the day off and was going golfing in a few minutes when my roommate got home. Being friendly she started chit chatting "I suck at golf. I go to the driving range some times. I can't hit it at all. I can sometimes with the smaller ones, but I can't get the big ones in the air. Are the big ones hard to use?"

Zach Morris time out here. So do you go for it?? The other tellers were listening to her talk to me and realized the tee ball question she gave me. I had to, I rarely do this stuff . With a wry smile, I went for it and replied, "The big ones..They're actually pretty fun to use. You just have to get used to them. " They girls giggled. "Golf clubs..I'm talking about." My teller turned a little red once she realized how she totally set it up, but loved it, and started fiddling with her tongue ring. She started to talk about how she was from WI and was sh*tfaced and tipped a cart a couple years ago. I asked if that was a common story in Wisconsin. She offered me a tootsie pop. No numbers, but maybe I'll invite her to the driving range for a lesson on the big ones this summer.

Walk Hard

To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies below is a little song I wrote about a true story that happened to a kid in college. Not liked by all, his roommates apparently even less. The setting is a living room with 3-4 people over.

Well heres a little story bout a kid named Joe

His roommates pulled a prank but he will never know

Watching a movie and one of them made

A glass for Joe of some delicious lemonade.

Spiked that is. With Viagra. Boner Juice.

Well next thing you know Joes squirming in his chair

Crossing his legs but others were aware

So he grabbed a pillow and with a zoom,

covered up his crotch and ran into his room.

To hide the boner that is. It’s not the pleats, or the pattern on the pants.

Forty five later he knows somethings wrong

He yells down the stairs “I don’t know what’s going on!

I just beat one off and it’s still hard!!”

Two hours later it was still standing guard.

Attention! Hut! "Why won’t it just go away??"

Could “The Boner” come back? He doesn’t know, it may.

They never told him it was Viagra to this day.

The only way this could have been more fun,

If the movie of the day was Brokeback Mountain.

He’d subconsciously think he’s gay that is..That a movie about two h-mo cowboys... gave him the most uncontrolable woodrow wilson of his life.