A Moment With Andy Rooney

"We use them day after day, and no I don’t mean expired prophylactics. That’s another story for another day. I’m talking about slang words used for love acts. Everybody has different ways of getting busy, and their own names for what they do in their own privacy. These terms are changing every day and I don’t care much for the new age terms that are being used. They confuse me. Back in my day our slang was simple, and made sense. We necked in our car, maybe played some back seat bingo at the local drive in. And if we were lucky, a fast girl would let us make whoopee.

I didn’t have to look up a definition when I heard something that sounded like fun back then, I just knew what people were talking about. But I see and hear these strange terms all the time now. I think I know what they are alluding to, and for some reason I’m not quite sure I want to know exactly what they are taking about. I hear them on the subway, see these names on the back of softball team t-shirts, some even in our office Fantasy Football League. Not too many Church Choirs or Volunteer organizations though. These names confuse me almost as much as the names I heard for snowboard tricks during the Olympics. A Dirty Sanchez. A Chili Dog. Glass Bottom Boat. Cincinnati Bow Tie. I don’t understand much about them, but if there is one thing about a Hot Carl I do know is why in the world anyone would want to get something named that in the first place? I’m sure there are people out there that want them, someone must like them or else there wouldn’t be a name for it, but I’m not one of them. I’d rather be an insurance salesman and I don’t want to be one of those either. I'll take a Hot Tamale at a movie instead and be just fine.

I heard some kids talk about a meat wallet the other day. So I asked them, what is a meat wallet anyways? And they just laughed, and said I probably liked Rusty Trombones instead. I have a wallet. And it’s made out of leather. Leather comes from a cow which is made of meat. Is that a meat wallet? Opposed to one made out of nylon or cloth? For some reason, I just don’t think that is the meat they were talking about. And I don’t own a trombone either. I own a trumpet and it’s not dirty at all. I’m pretty certain if I owned a trombone instead of my trumpet that wouldn’t be dirty either. Let alone rusty. How does a trombone get rusty anyways, and why in the world would I like one? Sometimes I wonder if I used a term like that back in my day if people would think I was crazy. Probably. And now I look like the crazy one for not knowing about these new wallets these kids have.

I like Tea and Punch and Pancakes, but you wouldn’t catch me ordering a TeaBag, a Donkey Punch or a Boston Pancake. I don't know what they are, but I just don't think I would enjoy them as much. I have nothing against the state of Alabama, but I know I want to go nowhere near an Alabama Hot Pocket.

There was a story in the paper the other day about a singer who gave a golden shower to a fan of his. If you ask me, that seems like a pretty nice gift to a pretty special fan. I always thought gold was one of the nicest gifts you can get. Golden earrings. Golden necklaces. Maybe a gold pen. And now even golden teeth. A golden shower must be a very expensive shower. My shower is made out of tile. A golden one would be a very nice upgrade from tile. I bet it would have a lot less mildew in it. Yet the young man is going to court for giving his golden shower.

Last time I checked, space docking was only done by astronauts, angry pirates were only in the movies, and something less ambiguous than OffConstantly won our fantasy football league last year. I think it was The Cheetahs. Maybe next year I’ll find out why it was so funny when I said I beat OffConstantly in week 2. Someone may explain it to me, but again, I’m not too sure I want to know. "