Get Away With Double Pay!!

Below are a couple little stories I heard recently about moves people I know pulled off at work that impressed me quite a bit. I am always impressed by people who pull off amazingly ballsy moves with the man and it ends up working out for them. As one person responded when I asked them how they can get the courage to do such things he only replied "They f*ck with me every day." Ok. It takes some cajones people, and could potentially backfire with lasting consequences, however, if pulled off successfully it is quite amazing. **

First off a buddy of mine that I know quite well told me that a few times a year he will strategically wear a suit into the office and come in late to work on random days just to give off the impression that he was talking to "someone about something" that morning - pretty much that he had an interview. He said it "keeps them on their toes". Unrelated, a year or so ago at his work, a computer glitch happened with his online PTO Tracker, and it doubled his vacation days per year, giving him over 30 days per year. Recognizing his suit wearing around review time, and not wanting to lose him, in his next review after the glitch his managers brought up his now excessive number of vacation days by saying "Does this number look right to you?" and sliding him a printout from his PTO program with the doubled number of vacation days printed out on it, and my buddy said "Yes it does" slid it back, and they said "Good" and gave them to him. This, combined with the carry over from the year before, he now has over 40 days off this year. Not too shabby.

My second story comes from a relative of mine who a little bit ago was being pursued for a position from the competitor of the company he worked for. It was a great company, great offer, and he was interested in moving on from where he presently worked. Take note this move he did can only be pulled off successfully if you have a surplus of vacation days. So, he accepted a position with the competitor company without telling his present company. He then took a two week vacation from his present company, during which time he started working at his new company to give it a test run and make sure he liked it. He did. At the end of the two week "vacation" at his new company he went back to his original job and told them that he just accepted a new position with their competitor. Company policy being that if you accept a job at a competitor, you get your desk cleaned out that day and escorted out of the building. You also get paid for the two weeks after your notice period. He then went back to work at his new company and collected two weeks of residual paychecks from his old company. Totalling, including sick time, over five weeks of double pay. Risky, because if your present or future company found out you were doing this, neither would probably be happy. However, being able to test out a new job before mucking things up with your current job is nice, and if it works, get double pay for over a month. Probably the coolest things I've heard in a while. Whats up now corporate America?

**DISCLAIMER: Uncle Monty's Churchkey does not endorse any of the above scenarios and is merely impressed by those who are willing to do such actions. These actions are not for everyone. Not all companies respond in your favor to these type of scenarios. As with all risky moves at work, do not attempt unless willing to accept career altering consequences that may last longer than four hours. If you experience these symptoms, stop doing such risky activities and contact your local unemployment office right away. Doing such activities do not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. Discuss your medical conditions, including heart problems, and medications with your doctor to ensure these actions are right for you and that you are healthy enough for such activities. These activities are not recommended for men with uncontrolled high blood pressure. Individual results may vary. In clinical trials, these activities were shown to improve the ability of men to have a single, successful intercourse attempt.

Monty's Election Deception

For the 2006 Senate election day, yours truly was ahead of the curve. Specially saved for this occasion on a tack board in my room was an "I Voted" sticker from the last presidential election. The night before I set my alarm clock for a restful 9:30am. The morning of the Senate election, I awoke, got dressed for work, had a nice breakfast, and before I left - I took the "I Voted" sticker off my tack board, scraped the back of it with my fingernail so it was sticky again and put it on. Strolling into the office late morning wearing my I Already Voted and You Didn't sticker, I not only looked responsible and civic minded, but amazing fresh with my three extra hours of sleep. Especially considering that others thought I rose early and fought a morning crowd to make sure I performed my civic duty. My boss was very proud. I then went and voted after work. Try it - it works!!

Royally Squeezed

All was well for The Big Squeeze. Upon completion of a successful first half of the baseball season, the business was running smoothly, a solid customer base was built, the product was widely enjoyed and profits were being realized. However, back in December when the home made lemonade business was started, the entrepreneurs didn’t factor into their business plan that their largest battle wasn’t going to be squeaking out a profit, but surviving the jealousy, envy, trash talking and back stabbing of the other food vendors on Kirby Puckett Plaza. Ending recently by the heel of a global corporation swiftly squashing the dream that was The Big Squeeze, to recapture the meager earnings they made..A sour ending to a once sweet enterprise.

Back in December, my roommate Capitan Adam and his two brothers Big P and J Stew conceptualized a dream. A significant part of their summers growing up, all at some point worked at a freshly squeezed lemonade stand named Rob’s Lemonade. Rob vended at different street festivals and summer fests. It was here their passion for lemonade began, as they learned the ropes of the business and honed their squeezing and shaking technique. Mastering the trade, it was time to go into business for themselves, start their own stand and own their own business. A way to earn some extra money with their free time, but more importantly have some fun and make some damn good lemonade.

The cold winter months were spent in a garage planning the business and hand building the Cadillac of lemonade stands. Two of them. These weren’t stands, but were essentially a small kitchen on wheels. With the onset of spring, meeting after meeting, they interviewed with directors of summer festivals, parks and plazas trying to find a home to vend for the summer. After several interviews it became discouraging. Everyone wanted some new twist on freshly squeezed lemonade. As if it wasn’t good enough already. Some wanted 100% organic – organic lemons, organic sugar. Sounds good except for the product wasn’t so good, and the margins were shot. Some required a fruit smoothie component with the stand. This again was expensive, and took them away from their primary focus – making some damn good lemonade. Finally, they interviewed with the Minnesota Twins. Before every home game on Kirby Puckett Plaza outside the Metrodome the Twins offer a variety of activities for the fans. A live band (generally some local act you remember being pissed off at one night for having to a pay cover at your local pub because they were) games, contests, player autographs, and numerous vendors. Brats, popcorn, ribs, beer, mini doughnuts and more.

The Twins loved their idea. Budweiser and Coke products being the only beverages offered at the Metrodome, freshly made lemonade gave fans an alternative choice to liquor or soda.

An official business had to be incorporated first in order to become a vendor of the Twins. This is where I stepped in… A brainstorming secession took place one night over a couple beverages and yours truly came up with the name The Big Squeeze. Soon after, I drew up a working copy of the logo for the company. Upon the signing of a contract, The Big Squeeze became the official fresh lemonade of the Minnesota Twins, the cups went to print, and they were to be there to vend at every home game. This was a terrific opportunity, as the Twins are currently constructing a brand new outdoor stadium, getting in as a vendor meant possibly securing rights to work the new park as well.

With a late spring, opening day for the Big Squeeze was when the Bronx Bombers came to town in late May. After a rainy first day of business, and $25 gross sales, doubts of the businesses success loomed. These were quickly forgotten the next day. A hot early summer day, the reception was overwhelming and business was frantic, selling out of product both Saturday and Sunday games. Business continued to flourish every sunny game day from then on. The Big Squeeze established themselves quickly as a force on Kirby Puckett Plaza and were soon welcomed by other vendors with the carnie initiation of trading food. Publicity was mounting as well. The yellow Big Squeeze collector cups were seen all over inside and outside the Metrodome. Pictures were featured on the Twins website and the stand was even featured on Fox Sports Network during pregame broadcasts. A small fan club started consisting of an unusual collection of really strange individuals that patroned the vendor plaza with no intention what so ever of going into the baseball game. Not homeless, but deranged, merely there to chat with vendors and maybe scare up some free left over food. With one free lemonade, stories were told of which vendors always have left over food, and where they throw it away. Most specifically the roasted corn on the cob guy, who throws away sometimes bags of uneaten corn. Notes were taken. The success of the Big Squeeze was noticed. Thoroughly enjoyed by the fans, it became increasingly aware it was not liked by all. After seeing The Big Squeeze’s first successful day, it started with the cold glare of the other beverage vendors during set up. This unspoken animosity soon turned evident and nasty. You started to over hear the Budweiser vendors yelling to the crowd “Lemonade sucks…buy beer!” The coke vendors came over and started questioning the source of the water being used. The popcorn lady came over, who no doubt had relationships with the other beverage vendors, bought a lemonade and said “This Sucks” and dumped it out. It seemed any day a pack of scraggily drunken vendors would wonder up and circle the stand. “Well well well…Wadda we gots heeaahhh...Looks like we’s gotst aww selves a lem'nade stand here boys.. Your kind isn’t welcome in these parts no mo. Infact, yous was neverwelcome round heeahh.”

This tension built up until finally last week, The Big Squeeze received a voice mail from the Minnesota Twins stating that they received a complaint from the Coca Cola Corporation, that The Big Squeeze was eating into their profits too much. Also, that the relationship with the Big Squeeze violated their pre-existing contract with the Twins that included the sale of their lemonade product - Minute Maid Lemonade. The iron fist of corporate America intervened to snuff out a locally owned hand made lemonade stand. Not only is Minute Maid lemonade less than 5% juice, it is bottled, and filled with artificial flavoring and high fructose corn syrup. A far cry from a freshly cut lemon, water and sugar – shaken not stirred.

Completely ignoring not only the difference in product, but the fact that many fans enjoyed the product, it is made by a local company not to mention that - holy shit – kids like lemonade – the Twins revoked the The Big Squeeze’s contract to make hand made lemonade and asked them to not come back. Lawyers are currently being spoken to. Unfortunately the Coca Cola Corporation has much deeper pockets than this home based lemonade business. In the end, even if some sort of settlement could be reached, that is not of significance. It is the death of a dream. The loss of the smile on a child’s face when they take a sip of their first hand made lemonade. If the game is truly for the fans, the spineless, cowardly Minnesota Twins had no problem immediately dropping to their knees with a simple wave by corporate America. Sacrificing their ethics, and the over all quality of enjoyment of the fans - who they pretend to care so much about - who they want to make the journey to spend their hard earned wages on small market baseball in a half empty bubble, and now can't even drink a fresh lemonade on a hot day. Kirby no doubt looks down on his plaza in shame.

Hot or Not - LPGA Edition

Last week I was able to attend the U.S. LPGA Open in Minnesota. Yes, I went to a women's golf tournament. Shut up. A friend suggested I should have walked through the main gates, and upon seeing my first golfer yelled loudly, "Wait..wait..wait a minute.. You didn't tell me this was WOMENS GOLF!! I'm out of here!" I had a good time, but yes, there were a few key differences between attending a women's LPGA major and a men's PGA major. 1) With free admittance under 18 years of age, there were little brats running around everywhere constantly, whoring autographs from every woman with a club in their hand. Many of which they, I, or anyone else has never heard of. Parents pushing their kids up to the front of the ropes and telling their kids the golfers name from the guide so they can beg. "Morgan, can I have your autograph?" says a three year old to their dads delight. All players remained courteous and generous. Many foreigners didn't get the same courtesy though, no "excuse me Miss Dim Sung Park! Miss Ni San Pho!! Miss Park Park Fu Park can I have your autograph?" The kids just shoved their hats in front of the foreigners, blocking their way to the next tee until they scribbled something on an already full hat of autographs. Or a camera man would put a camera right into the face of a Korean player as she left the green and made her repeat "Plaayee Golf Mi Nee Sota" until she got it right. These constant delays lead to almost seven hour practice rounds in 90 degree heat and was annoying as hell. 2) There were a ton of lesbian couples in the crowd. Not only was there a U.S. Women's open in town (dozens of young, tone, athletic girls for these gals to peruse) but there was, by chance or not, a GLBT Pride festival happening the same weekend in the Twin Cities. That means not only could they check out high caliber woman empowering entertainment, but when they're done, they can drive over to Loring Park and make a non-legally binding life commitment to forever eat each others box. It was a great weekend for lesbianism. Walking around in the gallery everywhere were women strongly resembling a young Kathy Whitworth. How do I know these ladies were lesbians? I don't, but, when you see two women walking around that look like Fred Funk, with a nice athletic haircuts, wearing Tevas, holding hands and beaming because they just got close enough to Laura Davies to see the sweat stain from her FUPA - they might be lesbians. 3) Holy Korean invasion. Seriously, not only was every other golfer on the course Korean, but packs of asians followed the asian golfers, surrounded by several asian photographers following each asian grouping with big asian cameras taking very asian photographs. I haven't seen that many asian people since I went to the second floor of Club Taboo during a techno show and felt like Andre the Giant walking around. 4) The final difference was there were several very very attractive female golfers walking around in very nice mini skirts, with very nice tanned legs out there. It was quite enjoyable to watch through out the day.

Several times over the past two years, I have debated with multiple people - who is the hotter of the two most prominent LPGA "Lookers". Paula Creamer or Natalie Gulbis. Aside from Mannika and Borena, these two ladies by far had the largest crowds at the tourney. I personally have been shocked at how adament people are about taking one position or the other on this subject especially when it is so obvious. Not only that, but how many people disagree with my position. I won't tell you my preference. I, however, will give you the opportunity yourselves to completely strip these women of any professional credentials and talent, and judge them merly as I have, on their physicality. So here you go - Gulbis vs. Creamer.

Natalie Gulbis: Overstated, over stacked, under framed bottle blonde. Humba Jumba. If this photo of her stretching doesn't give you an X Flex, one of Adam Scott may.

Paula Creamer: I will give her this, as seen here on the putting green, she has great legs. I watched her stroke for quite some time. She is a good putter. I see her homely, youthful appeal. But, am I the only one who notices the maniacal smile? Frumpy downturned stare? And where did her chin go? Not to mention she constantly wears sunglasses so large it makes a blind person jealous. It is a no brainer. Gulbis takes the cake. Yet I have not met one person yet who, when it's brought up, sides with me on this subject. I'm not even saying she is the best on the LPGA Tour.. Because she's not. I'm just stating that she is hotter than Paula Creamer. Hands down.

Hot or Not - LPGA Edition: In this following section, I will give you a glimpse of some of the more well known characters on the LPGA tour. Some are hot - some definitely are not.

Laura Davies. A physique that makes John Daly blush. This giant English Hobbit is known for her big swings and big appetite. How much would you pay to lick that belt under her muffin top after a sweaty 18? Me? Alot. Definitely Hot.

Christina Kim: Widely known as the "Always Fashionable" one on the ladies tour. I have one question. Fashion is supposed to invoke reaction right? Is puking in your mouth the right reaction? And if seeing her on the course doesn't make you let a rip cord go, how about her in evening wear? I wonder what she's eyeing with that seductive look? A Culvers? Business or casual she does herself no justice - she's as broken as a three wheeled Radio Flyer. Definitely Not Hot.

Song-Hee Kim: The Yang to the above Yin. Want a girl that will never get fat? The lustful physique of an anorexic cross country runner? Well here you go. Song-Hee, I think those sponsors on your cap pay you enough money now to eat. Not Hot.

Lorena Ochoa: If she didn't leave something in the shorts after this shot I would be surprised. Many times, you see a different side of a woman once they let their hair down. I wasn't sold on Lorena until I found this picture of her softer side. Certified babe. Natural smile, natural beauty and definitely a Hottie. Not. (That's a not joke).

Minea Blomqvist: I saw her up close on the course. Thought she was a total cutie. Nice, petite, Finnish accent. Big fan. I then found this photo and am completely perplexed. Yikes! The delicate facial features of Lurch from the Munsters. I don't know which way to go. Alright, Hot - under the condition that she wears golf attire and a visor all day. I'm talking night too.

Suzann Petterson: A true Jeckyll and Hyde. The first time I saw her I thought she was a Norwegian hottie. I then saw her again, and questioned if it was the same person I saw the first time. I then realized that she fluctuates like the tides. The above photos are of her at her best. Not a bad looking woman.

But then you see this and she looks like a totally different person. Tag Heuer couldn't bring her best out, and that bottom right photo is inexcusable. I'm sorry, but I am going to have to vote - Not Hot. Nikki Garrett: This 24 year old Australian born player on the Ladies European tour has been known for taking some pretty saucy photos, as seen on the left. But, get her out of that studio lighting and she looks like Adam Carola. Definitely - Not Hot.

Michelle Wie: Her fall from grace has been a spectacle to watch. Even though her game is in the tank, those legs will keep her in business for a long time. Don Gaaa. Hot.
Sa Kura Yukomiune: Heeerrr Roooooo. Hard to decide whats hotter - her in golf attire or in a kimono and powdered face. She can be my geisha any day. Me rove you rong time. Hot.

Danah Ford: Wrapping it up with the A list. This relatively unknown is on the Futures Tour, however, she is currently smokin hot. This stock photo does her no justice. I wish her all the luck in the world, and hope the Futures Tour makes a stop in the Twin Cities soon. I have already set aside money to buy her calendar when she reaches the ladies tour. Those following Creamer and Gulbis at the U.S. Open had no clue. Most certainly - Hot. Anna Rawson: Wow.. So easily makes Paula Creamer look like a homeless woman, and compared to Anna, Natalie Gulbis has the natural beauty of a porn star. Side to side, the red headed step children that they are, Anna wipes them off the charts in Tsunami like fashion. Not only is she a professional model.. but she's a pro golfer too.. I mean come on. I'm defenseless. In my world of digging golf chicks, she is Hera, queen of the fairways. Her Myspace already has 2882 friends... and soon to be 2883.

Monty's Celebrity Encounters, Vol 1

Situation: Accidental Run In

Date: February 12, 2003

The Story: So I was walking to the cafeteria in college. I opened the door to the building where the cafeteria is held, which also has several conference/reception rooms. I was reading through a paper as I was walking a path I had walked a 100 times. All of a sudden WHAM!!! I slam into someone. "Oh my god, excuse me" I immediately say as I step back and look up. Only to see it is a large, strong, non-student.. Holy shit - is that Carl Lewis?? No...I mean.. Jackie Joyner Kersee?!?! I completely slammed into her bosom. Her succulent succulent rock hard bosom.

Redbox Recommends

Reads Braille Pulls Tail

The other day a friend felt the need to inform me he saw a picture of opera singer Andrea Bocelli's new fiancee. And she was hot. Great. Thanks. And Frankie Muniez dates playboy models. Why do I have to know this? Do I really need to know this? So we looked it up, and I thought for a second.. I'm not saying, I'm just saying...aren't his odds HEAVILY skewed towards him finding an average looking woman on his own? If not two in a row? I give him all the credit in the world for asking for input. Well done.

Beer Quiz

Can you match the beer lable with the correct bottle??







ANSWERS:




1. What brewery was the first to produce tab-top beer cans?
a. Pabst
b. Bud
c. Schlitz
d. Miller

2. What beer tells us to 'grab all the gusto you can get'?
a. Pabst
b. Bud
c. Schlitz
d. Miller

3. When champagne and stout are mixed what is it called?
a. Blue Velvet
b. Black Velvet
c. Red Velvet
d. White Velvet

4. Lager beer is usually aged over or under 3 months?
Over
Under

5. Two kinds of British beer are 'bitter' and 'mild'.
True
False

6. What is the great beer of Japan?
a. Kirin
b. Rising Sun
c. Nippon

7. What was the original name of lite beer from Miller?
a. Golden Lite
b. Silver Bullet
c. Mellow Lite
d. Meister Brau Lite

8. What kind of German beer always pictured a goat in its ads?

9. Bach beer is traditionally drunk in the early spring.
a. True
b. False

10. What percentage of alcohol is in Near Beer?
a. 2
b. 1.5
c. 1
d. .5


ANSWERS:
1. Schlitz
2. Schlitz
3. Black Velvet
4. Under
5. True
6. Kirin
7. Meister Brau Lite
8. Bock Beer & Bock
9. True
10. .5

Start Me Up!

The Little Caesars a couple blocks from my house was doing a bit of advertising this past weekend. They usually have some sort of weekend advertising to attract attention. Sometimes it is a large inflatable Little Caesar, or people wearing signs, even a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Guy. They always have something. The only increase of traffic I have noticed around this Little Caesars since it opened is from high school students asking you to buy them beer from the Asian liquor store next door. "Hey Mr."s happen every once in a while there, and with the number of underage sting operations I've heard of, if you have half a mind you say no quicker than a proposition from a Tijuana hooker.


So back to Little Caesars, I was in the car with my brother on the way to a golf course, the sun is shining, windows down, feeling good. As we are pulling up to the stop sign next to the Caesars, we see that the Little Caesars decided to rock out this weekend. What does Little Caesars mean by Rocking Out? They hired a single Somalian male to stand on the corner of the street, and hold a wooden carve out of an electric guitar with Little Caesars logos on it. Excellent! It was so funny. The worst, but funniest marketing I have ever seen. He was just standing there, motionless, looking at traffic. So as we pull up to the stop sign next to him, I slip in my Stones CD and my brother turned Start Me Up to max volume. The sign guy wasn't facing us and was a bit startled at first, and then he turned around and we started hooting and hollering and cheering for him. He cracked a confused smile, looked side to side, and then pretended to play the song. He bobbed his head a couple times and started roboticly sliding his open palm up and down and around the sign like he was wiping it down. He had no clue what to do. We sat there, cheered and whistled, and made him do this for probably a half minute.

A Moment With Andy Rooney

"We use them day after day, and no I don’t mean expired prophylactics. That’s another story for another day. I’m talking about slang words used for love acts. Everybody has different ways of getting busy, and their own names for what they do in their own privacy. These terms are changing every day and I don’t care much for the new age terms that are being used. They confuse me. Back in my day our slang was simple, and made sense. We necked in our car, maybe played some back seat bingo at the local drive in. And if we were lucky, a fast girl would let us make whoopee.

I didn’t have to look up a definition when I heard something that sounded like fun back then, I just knew what people were talking about. But I see and hear these strange terms all the time now. I think I know what they are alluding to, and for some reason I’m not quite sure I want to know exactly what they are taking about. I hear them on the subway, see these names on the back of softball team t-shirts, some even in our office Fantasy Football League. Not too many Church Choirs or Volunteer organizations though. These names confuse me almost as much as the names I heard for snowboard tricks during the Olympics. A Dirty Sanchez. A Chili Dog. Glass Bottom Boat. Cincinnati Bow Tie. I don’t understand much about them, but if there is one thing about a Hot Carl I do know is why in the world anyone would want to get something named that in the first place? I’m sure there are people out there that want them, someone must like them or else there wouldn’t be a name for it, but I’m not one of them. I’d rather be an insurance salesman and I don’t want to be one of those either. I'll take a Hot Tamale at a movie instead and be just fine.

I heard some kids talk about a meat wallet the other day. So I asked them, what is a meat wallet anyways? And they just laughed, and said I probably liked Rusty Trombones instead. I have a wallet. And it’s made out of leather. Leather comes from a cow which is made of meat. Is that a meat wallet? Opposed to one made out of nylon or cloth? For some reason, I just don’t think that is the meat they were talking about. And I don’t own a trombone either. I own a trumpet and it’s not dirty at all. I’m pretty certain if I owned a trombone instead of my trumpet that wouldn’t be dirty either. Let alone rusty. How does a trombone get rusty anyways, and why in the world would I like one? Sometimes I wonder if I used a term like that back in my day if people would think I was crazy. Probably. And now I look like the crazy one for not knowing about these new wallets these kids have.

I like Tea and Punch and Pancakes, but you wouldn’t catch me ordering a TeaBag, a Donkey Punch or a Boston Pancake. I don't know what they are, but I just don't think I would enjoy them as much. I have nothing against the state of Alabama, but I know I want to go nowhere near an Alabama Hot Pocket.

There was a story in the paper the other day about a singer who gave a golden shower to a fan of his. If you ask me, that seems like a pretty nice gift to a pretty special fan. I always thought gold was one of the nicest gifts you can get. Golden earrings. Golden necklaces. Maybe a gold pen. And now even golden teeth. A golden shower must be a very expensive shower. My shower is made out of tile. A golden one would be a very nice upgrade from tile. I bet it would have a lot less mildew in it. Yet the young man is going to court for giving his golden shower.

Last time I checked, space docking was only done by astronauts, angry pirates were only in the movies, and something less ambiguous than OffConstantly won our fantasy football league last year. I think it was The Cheetahs. Maybe next year I’ll find out why it was so funny when I said I beat OffConstantly in week 2. Someone may explain it to me, but again, I’m not too sure I want to know. "

RedBox Loves Me

I just want to thank RedBox for sending another terrific movie recommendation to my email. This one titled "P.S. Redbox Loves You". At least they are starting to be more honest with their advertisment.

Caipirinha...More Like Diaperinha!

Two weekends ago I decided to try something new. If you couldn’t tell already, I’m a pretty hip person. I consider myself a somewhat of a progressive, avant-garde, cultural chap. I know what the kids think is cool these days, those roller shoes for example. I keep on top of the current trends in fashion. Polo button ups, khakis, Doc Martins, leather braded belts and such. Well I decided to try my hand at a new cultural drink. I stand here today, disappointed and mildly bitter about my attempt at further refinement.
For the past couple months I’ve been thinking and working on a significant goal for myself this summer - to patent a drink for myself. I want to have a go-to beverage that’s mine, that tastes great in the summer, all summer, that others think is great and, of course, gets you crunked. So far, and with the gift of a Mojito kit for Christmas, I have perfected Monty’s 30 Minute Mojito, with crushed strawberries and pineapple juice. Which I must say is outstanding, and can hide booze better than a freshman in the dorms, but it seriously takes me around a half hour to make a batch. Plus, Mojito’s are so 2006. Very Napoleon Dynamite. Still good, but it’s now on TBS. (Precisely why my Target Mojito kit was being shuffled out of the store around Christmas). I needed something fresh. I then watched an episode of one of my favorite shows. Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. If you aren’t TiVo-ing this show you’re missing out. Well Tony went to Sao Paulo one episode, and the entire episode he was hanging out with two hot Brazilian chicks, and got totally sauced on the native drink of Brazil, The Caipirinha. He was raving about it. Drinking different kinds, not just the standard lime, but passion fruit, mango, pomegranate .. and on and on. I was entranced. He and these two beautiful girls were swapping Caipirinhas at dinner, getting all these different courses of food, gorgeous food and cocktails and hoo hoos all right there and it all looked fantastic and probably the most glorious meal ever. The Caipirinha. This could be my drink. In fact, this will be my summer drink. Tony has never led me astray before. I could see it already... “What are you drinking?” “It’s called a Caipirinha. The native drink of Brazil.” “Really?” says the attractive girl with generous cleavage. "Yeah. I've been drinking them for a while. It’s a pretty hot drink right now in New York, LA as well as other influential areas. You should probably know about it. It's pretty cool I guess. Here have one.” “Wow that is soo interesting. And it is soo delicious.” “I know” “And you are so progressive and hip and trendy and I should probably show you my rack right now” and so on. A terrific summer it will be.

So a day or two later I went on the Internet and further researched the Caipirinha. It is made most traditionally using only muddled limes, sugar and the traditional liquor of Brazil, Cachaça. Cachaça is the distillate of fresh sugar cane which undergoes a meticulous fermentation and triple-filtered processes. Some of the nicer brands, post fermentation, are then shipped to the south of France where they rest, for up to three months in vintage French oak casks used for storing cognac. Interesting. I kept reading and apparently not only is it authentic, and supposedly delicious, it is quite the trend right now too and is shaping up to be the most sought after drink of 2007. Its the most popular cocktail in Europe, and has since taken hold in bars in New York, Miami and Los Angeles. I was sold. I decided right there that Friday was my Caipirinha initiation day. I did some more digging. To make them properly, authentic and delicious, I found that one of the better bottles of Cachaça you can buy around here is called Leblon. About $30. Apparently it is “the Champagne of Cachaça. It has a lively fruity nose, and a natural smooth, rounded, silky taste, and makes a wonderful Caipirinha”

So I got my Leblon, it was even 30% off, this was meant to be, I got my limes and went back to my house proudly to make Caipirinhas for myself and our guests that were over. I cracked open the bottle and took a whiff.. In one smell my entire dream for the summer deflated, for it smelt like the dense, musty, pungent smell of napalm. Not exactly the “fruity nose” I had expected. Worried, but invested, I remained positive. Maybe it was an acquired smell. The taste will prevail. So I mixed up a cocktail, proper amounts of everything, and took a hefty sip. And almost spit the shit across the room. Fucking sick. I'm vocal - Aaawwwwww!! My stomach is spasming. This was the most disgusting shit I have ever tasted. It tasted like rotten pig stomach with a hint of lime. I tried some straight, no better, straight up embalming fluid. Like a mouse had crawled in a bottle, died, rotted in the sun, and then Brazilians filled it with liquor. I was swallowing mouth fulls of saliva that were gushing in my mouth to prevent me from vomiting. Others tried it, and almost gagged as well, except for my roommate, who actually liked it?!? This experiment is not tantamount to declaring tequila undrinkable after one shot of Cuervo, because yes, Cuervo is bad first blush, but it doesn’t taste like the fermented remains of Heath Ledger. So I declare here - New York you can have it. LA, along with your flavored oxygen canisters, it’s yours. Tony Bourdain, you have led me astray and failed me. I placed so much faith in you. Of all the bathtub gin, homemade Singaporian countryside gasoline I see you drink in your journeys around the world, I expected this, your highest of praise to be at least edible! With that I’ve come to the conclusion that if being trendy means having to develop an acquired taste for foul, rotted, shit - well consider me Barney Fife. My tastes will stay in Mayburry. One of the greatest parts of this adventure was I told a friend the next day about my attempt at making Caipirinhas and how absolutely decrepitly sick they were. She of course said I made them wrong, because when made properly they are supposed to taste like toothpaste. F-ing toothpaste? First off - no way. Secondly, is that any better? I don't know about you but I spit my toothpaste out after brushing because it tastes like shit. What - do you gut it? You just slap the shit on a spoon and eat it like peanutbutter? The quest for my official 2008 summer cocktail continues. I will definitely let you all know of any developments - and if all else fails everyone is invited over for Monty's 30 Minute Mojitos this summer.

A Bad Day In My Life, Vol. I

Situation: Ripped My Pants

Date: March 8, 2008

The Story: My roommate, a friend and myself decide to check out a local deli that is known to have the best Ruben in town a few blocks from my house. We park in the parking lot which is adjacent to the deli. The parking lot is entirely fenced in and there are two ways to get out of it. The correct way is the long way, walk back out the entrance of the parking lot, following the outside of the fence around the corner of the street and then down half a block to the front door of the deli. The second is walk directly from your car to a two and a half foot brick wall which is right next to the front door and shimmy over. No problem, I've done this before. My buddy and my roommate hurdle with ease. My turn, I swing my first leg over and I immediately hear a massive, RRRRIIIIPPPPPPPp.. My jeans, which I just got done playing hockey at the park in and were not some Skinny Cowboy Girbaud's, tore in a U from under the crotch down close to my knee.. "Are you kidding me!!" I yelled. You could hear the tear like Willis McGahee's knee. The other two were in hysterics. Funny. Muck it up. My Charlie Brown Christmas boxers exposed. It was bad. So Thunder Thighs here had to take my jacket off and casually cover up my crotch as we walked into the restaurant and were seated. I chose a seat facing a wall not to flash other eaters and placed my jacket over my lap while we ate. Needless to say it was a bit breezy and I ordered a salad. Luckily I was not too far from my house to change afterwords.

Chili's Haikus

Smitten by Chili’s

I’d Propose to My Wife There

While She's On Duty

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Just Like Applebees?

Fools! A Homeless Mans Chili’s

The Layout is Worse

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Free Chips and Salsa

Two for Ones With Frosted Mugs

God? Is This Heaven?

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Seated In The Bar

Staring At the Greeters Ass

The Table Wobbles

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First Round is Empty

Hasn’t Placed Our Order Yet

I Think She is Late

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A New Crowd Walks In

Shit - A Former CoWorker

Keep Watching the Game

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The Menu By Heart

Looking a Formality

Chicken Tacos Please

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Fourth Two for One Round

One More El Presidente

A Concerned Server

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Our Server is Done

My Walk to the Can is Blurred

Please Transfer Our Tab

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Can You Split Our Tab?

Who’s Paying for The Queso?

One More Round On Mine.

Funkmaster Flesh

Is there anything more funny than fleshlights?? I doubt it. The jokes are endless. A buddy at a friends house.. "UUuuuhhhh Dave.... why... do you have a Maglite in your dishwasher??" "Aahh..shit...ahhh" or a wife... "Uhhh Steve?" "Yeah Honey?" "Why do you have a Maglite in the dish washer? ... and why does...it... have... a.... mustache? Oh my God." "Aahh...shit... ahhh" or talking about someone..."Listen.. I'm not saying Tom's gay...but lets just say his fleshlight probably has a mustache." You're in the dark if you haven't noticed that these things are not only hilarious, but are every where. I can barely check my Hotmail with out being tempted to order anoth...I mean one. The greatest thing about them is you put the cap on, and it looks just like a flashlight! Your secret is safe. They look so much like a flashlight infact, somedays I just carry one attached to my belt with a carabiner clip. Don't believe me? Here are a couple examples of how they're being used in every day life beyond the obvious.

De-motivational Posters Props! What do you think they used before the special effects were added in??

Celebrities are even cashing in on to the popularity of fleshlights and have started endorsing specific custom lines. Following in the footsteps of women who have lent a plaster cast, it is an easy source of revenue for men with prominent mustaches as well. If, of course, they don't mind the obvious..

"The Walrus" is a classic model among Chubby chasers. The Ditka and Wilford Brimley models did not sell as well.

There are apparently quite a few that have always dreamed of showing Don their Bronx Bomber, "The Slugger" can't stay on the shelves on the East coast.

Always had a thing for Geraldo? "The Investigator" can take a beating and comes with a detachable nose splint in case it does.

Between Star Wars fans and prisons, "The Bounty Hunter" is a massive success and has already sold over 250,000 units. That will teach you to sell Hon to Jabba, Lando.

New in 07, this limited edition is fitted with custom chrome casing and detachable shades. "The Chopper" packs some serious attitude and is on the way to becoming the most sought after light on the market.

A blog about fleshlights?